Well, the good news is I do not have MS nor do I have Lyme Disease. I am pre diabetic, have high cholesterol, and degenerative disk issues found in my lower back. It seems I have a multi diagnosis for the pain that I am in. An MRI of my back is in the works for approval and a referral for an Orthopedic consult. It appears my back is pretty jacked up. Maybe that’s part of my pain. I don’t know. We will wait and see where that takes us. I’ll keep you posted.
The insomnia is back with a vengeance in the last two weeks and I’ve only slept 4 out of 7 days on average these two weeks. Tonight, or should I say this morning I found a great pain, symptom, activities, meals, fluids, and medications template from a blog. It tracks my daily symptoms and is very in depth. I will need this tool with the cold weather starting to kick in here in the mountains. I’m actually excited to print the forms and really take a look at my overall activities, stressors, and weather and how it all ties together. I used to do a daily log but stopped because I got tired of writing the same things. My goal is to do this every day for at least 3 months and then to set another goal after that. The blog is called Desire to Heal and is written by Tamara Staples. I found her blog on Pinterest, look her up because she has some great posts. She is a talented writer. Writing for me is more cathartic than anything and my skills as a blogger leave a lot to be desired. It is a good way for me to move past things and keep on going when it’s tough. I’m ok with that and will continue to write. It gives me joy to get all that “stuff” out of my head and on “paper”. It’s like letting it go and giving it to God. I do that a lot. Just give it all to God to handle and then I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
I was denied once again for disability, and I have been in a big flare since I received the letter in the mail. It’s beyond ridiculous at 51 years old, and really disabled, why I would be denied again. Well, I’m not taking this one lying down. Lol Partly lying down anyway. I plan to fight it all the way. I worked for 30 years as a nurse with two jobs (often) and overtime on a regular basis and yet I am denied my rights to the money I paid into the system. The system, the process, and the reasons for denial are really screwed up.
I’ve tried not to let this throw me into a flare but it did. It’s 430 am and I slept about an hour and a half and am in so much pain. It’s starting to wear me down emotionally as well. I am at my emotional and physical limit. I needed to talk to someone to let it out and maybe some of the pain will leave. I can hardly take care of myself some days. Ramen noodles are a staple food for me because I can’t even prepare a meal that requires me standing. I know, I know, I’m having what my sister calls a pity party. She is very supportive and lets me have one then tells me to pick myself up and keep fighting. Actually, both my sisters are so loving and supportive with all this. They are far away but we talk, text, and encourage each other often. I don’t think I could make this journey without them. Yes, it helps just to cry, pray, let it all out and then I can concentrate on getting better. So, today is my pity party and tomorrow I will be better, or at least I hope I will be better.
Hope is something that seems to come in short supply when you are chronically ill. Depression is something I struggle with daily because I was so very active. I was a superwoman and now I have to sit to shower, and then rest due to exhaustion. I am also plagued with the should haves in my life. I should be able to do more, I should clean my house, I should have a job, I should be normal. I had a friend tell me once to stop “shoulding” all over myself because it doesn’t do any good. It only brings us down. She was so right. I loved doing so many things and can’t be up long enough to do much of anything now. When I started this blog I was able to do more things than I can do today. The decline has been a steady one. Whoever said Fibromyalgia isn’t a progressive disease needs to talk to me. I can set them straight on a few things. Lol
There are some really good things in my too. It’s not all about the pity parties. The good things in my life are the love of my family and my faith. I spend a lot of time praying for others and just talking to God. It lifts me up, it makes me happy to know that I am not alone. I have Jesus right here with me even in the middle of the night. Every day, all day, he’s carrying me when my legs are numb, when I can’t walk, and when I think I’m at the end of my rope. It’s one of my joys in life. I know that one day there will be no more pain for me and I will rejoice. Until then I will keep on keeping on. One day at a time, one prayer at a time, and one obstacle at a time. That makes it manageable for me.
How do you cope with your illness? How do you find hope and comfort in times of pain both physical and emotional? I’d love to hear your story because there is always something to learn from each other.
Until my next post may God bless each one of you. Keep your chin up and keep pushing forward.